Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
