he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
