Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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