tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
soo... how was my night?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
