He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
