I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
