genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
