I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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