the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
We left an ass print on the piano.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have aggressive nipples.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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