dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Randomize
