he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
