hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
