I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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