turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
