2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
What changed your mind?
Being sober
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
