I feel great
I just peed on a car
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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