when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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