im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
