4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
being pregnant is like rehab
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
