singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
me + whiskey = a bad person
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
