Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
