I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
