The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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