I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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