I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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