i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Holy shit dude........stairs
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
