Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude i'm inner monologue high
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
