Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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