I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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