this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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