So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
