I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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