Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Couch. On fire.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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