I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
