hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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