Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
