Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
