dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
