Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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