five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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