If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Someone shit on the floor
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
