At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My day in three words: secret purse cake
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
