why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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