I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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