yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
