o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
