Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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