I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
