when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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