I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
