A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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