I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
