I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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