The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
