My Higher Power is John Stamos
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
