so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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