Pappa wants mamma naked
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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