I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
