He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
