today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There's even glitter on my cock...
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