I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
